I Know My Happy Makes You Sad…

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Cupid's Aim / Family Ties / Living in Koinonia

…and that makes me sad, too.

Because I’ve been there. I get it–or at least parts of it.

That sinking feeling in your gut when someone announces their engagement or posts photos of their wedding. Sure, you’re happy for them, but still. Why them and not you, STILL?

I was relatively young at the time, but I remember when my younger sister got engaged. Planning her wedding. Standing up next to her. Watching her dance with our dad at the reception, cut the cake, go off on her honeymoon, return to set up a home with her beloved.

That’s not how it’s supposed to be. I’m the oldest. I’m supposed to do everything first. And I don’t even have a boyfriend!

That feeling paled in comparison to the pregnancy and baby announcements that came a few years later, though. Still without a boyfriend, my sister and at least 15 other women I knew personally were pregnant at the same time. Most of them were younger than I. So. Not. Fair.

Facebook was full of ultrasound pictures and newborn faces. It hurt. A lot. I cried just about every time someone told me their news (later, privately). Then there started being second and third children while I was waiting for my first. Still not me. Still not my turn.

My friends’ and family’s happy made me unbearably sad. I don’t know if they were aware or not.

So let me tell you, my friends. I am aware. I know that when I post my happy news–when I became a mom through the foster care system, when I’d finally found my beloved and we got married, when I got pregnant and had my Baby Tree–you are in my thoughts and prayers. I weep for the unfairness of it all, for the amazing people who would make awesome partners and parents and are still waiting, wondering when their turn will come. If it will ever come.

I hope this doesn’t come off as patronizing, or rubbing it in your face. That is not my intent. I just wanted you to know that I when I share my joys, I hate that it causes heartbreak among those I love. It sucks, truly, and my happiness is always tempered by sadness. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I love you.

The Author

I'm a quirky queer (she/her/hers) who is constantly questioning. I'm helping some young humans grow up, and trying not to do too much damage in the process. I am a fierce and fiercely feminist pastor. I'm doing my best at home-making, home-renovating, home-steading, and home-schooling. My rainbow life consists of red shoes, conversations around orange fires, yellow-legged chickens, going green, blue moods, indigo jeans, and periodically purple hair.

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