I Know My Happy Makes You Sad…

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Cupid's Aim / Family Ties / Living in Koinonia

…and that makes me sad, too.

Because I’ve been there. I get it–or at least parts of it.

That sinking feeling in your gut when someone announces their engagement or posts photos of their wedding. Sure, you’re happy for them, but still. Why them and not you, STILL?

I was relatively young at the time, but I remember when my younger sister got engaged. Planning her wedding. Standing up next to her. Watching her dance with our dad at the reception, cut the cake, go off on her honeymoon, return to set up a home with her beloved.

That’s not how it’s supposed to be. I’m the oldest. I’m supposed to do everything first. And I don’t even have a boyfriend!

That feeling paled in comparison to the pregnancy and baby announcements that came a few years later, though. Still without a boyfriend, my sister and at least 15 other women I knew personally were pregnant at the same time. Most of them were younger than I. So. Not. Fair.

Facebook was full of ultrasound pictures and newborn faces. It hurt. A lot. I cried just about every time someone told me their news (later, privately). Then there started being second and third children while I was waiting for my first. Still not me. Still not my turn.

My friends’ and family’s happy made me unbearably sad. I don’t know if they were aware or not.

So let me tell you, my friends. I am aware. I know that when I post my happy news–when I became a mom through the foster care system, when I’d finally found my beloved and we got married, when I got pregnant and had my Baby Tree–you are in my thoughts and prayers. I weep for the unfairness of it all, for the amazing people who would make awesome partners and parents and are still waiting, wondering when their turn will come. If it will ever come.

I hope this doesn’t come off as patronizing, or rubbing it in your face. That is not my intent. I just wanted you to know that I when I share my joys, I hate that it causes heartbreak among those I love. It sucks, truly, and my happiness is always tempered by sadness. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I love you.

Why I Blog

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General Musings

I didn’t start out to become a popular blogger, and while at this point I’d love it if blogging paid some bills (hello, student loans!) or led to other opportunities, I still don’t do it for that reason. I began blogging mostly to keep track of my journey into single motherhood and to post sermons and other pastoral pieces. If people happened to somehow stumble upon my blog and find something that spoke to them, great.

My blogging has evolved over time–from one blog to two and back to one again–and gone through a few name changes, but overall I believe I maintain a similar intent. I want to keep track of my thoughts and experiences through all parts of my life, while hopefully connecting with people who are interested in what I have to say, whether it’s because the church has hurt them and they want a different perspective, they are adopting from foster care, they want to live a more green life…whatever. While it would be wonderful to have a wider readership, and that is partly why I keep trying to do NaBloPoMo and post more regularly, I’m not going to spend a great deal of time figuring out what words to use to come up in Google more, or promoting my blog on other sites.

Maybe someday down the line I may try to publicize my blog a bit more, but for now I’ll continue to use it more like a journal and a place to practice my writing so that I’ll have something I’m proud to share more widely!