Panic Sets In

Well, I knew it was probably coming, and it finally arrived: the total and utter freak-out. Not his, mine! We had another visit last night, and I took him to the draft party for our local NBA D-league team (note for the record, the first time I’m ever b-o-r-e-d for the sake of my child). It was going well. He had snatched my camera and was making like paparazzi–even setting himself right next to the official photographers when draft picks were announced. Very cute. But at one point I looked over at him, and a knot formed in my gut. It was this moment of “what the hell am I doing?!?” and “whoa, this is a lot of responsibility” and “am I really ready for this whole thing all by myself???”

I’m hoping this is normal. It just feels so weird. I bought bedding yesterday, and painted his dresser. I spoke to a guy at my table who has a 5th and 6th grade basketball team he suggested we could sign up for. I’m trying to figure out which school he’ll go to, and what we’ll do for hours during our visits.

And I realized another thing last night that no one told me: this visiting and pre-placement stuff is EXHAUSTING. It’s so much one-on-one figuring out the progress of our relationship and right now we’re just kinda buddies but what happens when I have to act like a mom and how is this going and should we be talking more. And one-to-one interactions tend to drain my energy anyway. I had a thought last night that wrangling a whole group of kids or even running the whole draft party from the front would’ve been more energizing than trying to engage for three hours with one kid. And we have all afternoon today for more of that. And ALL DAY tomorrow!

Sigh. I’m excited, too, really. But right now I’m feeling totally overwhelmed and anxious.