Tonight we have our second visit. I get to pick him up all by myself from his foster family. I’m planning to take him bowling. The bowling alley has an arcade area in case we get tired of actual bowling. It also has a small grill so I can feed him before getting him home so he can attend church. During our visit, I’m to ask him if he would like me to take him trick-or-treating Monday, and if so I’ll set that up with his foster parents (who don’t celebrate Halloween). If tonight goes well, I’ll be in contact with the social workers Monday. His social worker will check in with him. If everyone’s on board, we will make the match official and start planning a transition.
I’m nervous. I’m much more anxious today than I was last week. Last week, for whatever reason, I really felt no nerves at all. Maybe it was because I was trying to keep an open mind and not get my hopes up, not put a lot of weight on that one meeting.
Tonight. Tonight, though, may be the key to determining whether we become a family or not. Knowing as I do that he acted out a little this week by not doing homework and slipping on hygiene. Knowing as I do that last Saturday he asked his foster parents if he should be packing up his stuff. Knowing as I do that moving in with me will most likely be the last step needed to schedule a termination hearing and permanently sever his birth mom’s legal rights to him. Knowing as I do that this whole situation is just plain weird, that it may be a while before he feels comfortable with me and I feel like more than just a long-term babysitter.
Maybe it’s because he’s a real kid. That after tonight, if we all decide to move forward, things will move from fantasy to reality, where I have to figure out limits and discipline and rules and love and affection and goals and dreams and dinner, every day.
I’m feeling overwhelmed and anxious and totally excited. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m still a little worried about getting my hopes up. Maybe I’m worried that he won’t want to move forward, even if it’s not really about me and more about adoption in general. And I’m already looking forward, because he’s great and I think we’d make a good match.
Sigh. This whole process is just so complicated and brings up so many different emotions!