Today was my first day back from maternity leave. It was not the best day. To begin with, it was cold (like high of 48F cold) and rainy all day. The baby woke me up at 5. I nursed him for a while, was able to get up and use the bathroom, and then checked my phone for a bit and was just about to get up and be productive when the Peanut woke up, and he wanted to nurse as well. I heard C up and getting ready for school. Around 6:20, I noticed I hadn’t heard any noise from Girl-E. I freed myself from the toddler and went to check on her. I asked C if she was awake, and he said yes, but when I called her name, I got no answer, and when I went into her room, she was fast asleep. I woke her up, and she made the bus–but her brother got his phone taken away for lying when Dude said he’d done the same thing yesterday.
Whether it was due to the rocky start to my morning or my anxiety about returning to work (or some of both), I was in a grumpy mood the rest of the day, and definitely not the kind of parent I want to be, which always makes me feel terrible.
Peanut’s day care closed two days after the baby was born, and we haven’t found a replacement yet, so I was trying to work at home and occupy him as well as take care of a newborn (Dude works from home, but was busy with back-to-back conference calls today). When I ran out to grab some materials I needed from the church, I decided to grab a treat from our favorite local cafe on the way home…but Peanut fell asleep on the way there and I couldn’t wake him. Of course he woke up when we got home and then didn’t nap and so was in full-on toddler mode (although, I’ll admit that even at his worst, his behavior is not terrible–just annoying).
I barely got anything accomplished for work today, so that makes me feel like a terrible pastor, too.
I’ve found that I don’t multi-task well. I can be totally patient and all peaceful-mindful parent if parenting is what I’m focused on, but if I’m trying to do work and a child is preventing that, or if I’m dealing with one child crisis and another child is suddenly also needy or misbehaving, I get overwhelmed and, frankly, cranky. I also worry way too much about other people’s reactions to things. Like, the baby could be screaming his head off, and I’ll be totally calm if it’s just us. But if it might wake the kids or Dude, or if we’re out somewhere, I get very stressed and even angry.
I’m working on it.
All that being said, tomorrow the weather is supposed to be much improved, and honestly, it will be another opportunity to improve, or at least not screw up any more than I did today.