Looking Forward

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Adoption / Heart Aches / Wrestling with Angels

The prospect of adopting is already forcing me to make huge decisions, and to consider every bit of planning and looking forward into the future, particularly the next year or so.

I’m hoping to take my high school youth group on a big, exciting, 10-day+ mission trip to South America (preference: Ecuador) next summer. Awesome…except it will probably be right around the anniversary of placement, if all goes as planned this summer. Possibly an emotional trigger. Possibly an issue. I don’t know, because I don’t know my kid(s) yet. But I have to start planning the trip now, and that’s not one I could hand off to another chaperone.

I also just bumped into another one. My denomination has a fantastic new program for young clergy that provides leadership and ministry training and a large pension deposit for those selected. I missed out on last year’s pilot class, so I’m stoked for this year. Except I just saw that if chosen, I’d have to be away for a week in January. Five-six months after anticipated placement. Do I continue to apply, hoping that by the time selection happens in September, I’ll know better whether I’ll be able to participate this year? Do I just postpone again, try next year (I’ve still got a few years of eligibility, assuming the program continues)?

Is this the universe telling me to wait another year to become a mother–or to make a choice? Is this the crossroads of career goals and motherhood? Cannot I not do both at once?

My stomach is in knots. I don’t want to wait for kids. I don’t want to push aside awesome opportunities. It’d be one thing if I were pregnant, but adopting from foster care brings all these other issues I never considered. And the uncertainty sucks.

The Author

I'm a pastor. I believe in radical love and ridiculous grace. I love to sing and sew, and have a shop on Etsy. I'm trying to make my ecological footprint smaller. I have chickens who provide endless entertainment. Oh, and I'm a formerly single mom by choice, son E (born 6/00, placed 11/23/11, adoption finalized 11/21/14) and now making a life with The Dude and his two kids, Girl-E (12/02) and C (9/04). Baby Bumpy due to arrive around 5/25/15! This blog chronicles my thoughts on faith, family, and the wild adventure we call Life!

1 Comment

  1. I can’t really give you advice. We had a two-year gap between finishing classes and having Mara move in. I skipped out on a lot of vacation opportunities. My partner did a little of that, but also decided to indulge herself on some. We both feel like we did what we needed to do to get through the waiting! My only advice to you would be to trust yourself and keep your options open as much as you can.

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