Looking Forward

The prospect of adopting is already forcing me to make huge decisions, and to consider every bit of planning and looking forward into the future, particularly the next year or so.

I’m hoping to take my high school youth group on a big, exciting, 10-day+ mission trip to South America (preference: Ecuador) next summer. Awesome…except it will probably be right around the anniversary of placement, if all goes as planned this summer. Possibly an emotional trigger. Possibly an issue. I don’t know, because I don’t know my kid(s) yet. But I have to start planning the trip now, and that’s not one I could hand off to another chaperone.

I also just bumped into another one. My denomination has a fantastic new program for young clergy that provides leadership and ministry training and a large pension deposit for those selected. I missed out on last year’s pilot class, so I’m stoked for this year. Except I just saw that if chosen, I’d have to be away for a week in January. Five-six months after anticipated placement. Do I continue to apply, hoping that by the time selection happens in September, I’ll know better whether I’ll be able to participate this year? Do I just postpone again, try next year (I’ve still got a few years of eligibility, assuming the program continues)?

Is this the universe telling me to wait another year to become a mother–or to make a choice? Is this the crossroads of career goals and motherhood? Cannot I not do both at once?

My stomach is in knots. I don’t want to wait for kids. I don’t want to push aside awesome opportunities. It’d be one thing if I were pregnant, but adopting from foster care brings all these other issues I never considered. And the uncertainty sucks.