Grieving What Could’ve Been

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Heart Aches

To my utter shock and surprise, the man I asked to be my donor, who was so offended actually said I would’ve gotten a better reaction if I’d asked him to have a child together. This is Mr. No-Commitment-for-Your-Own-Good. I’m still trying to process that whole thing.

But in my response to him, I told him what so many Choice Moms come to realize–this path is not our first choice. A selection from my last e-mail to him:

In the best possible world I would be in a partnership in which we could plan and look forward to a child together. In the best possible world I would still have lots of time for the trial and error of meeting the right person to make that happen. In the best possible world, I wouldn’t have to look through lists of the hair and eye colors of men who jacked off into a cup so that I could have a baby, or anticipate becoming pregnant and dread that I’ll have to massage my own feet and back when I’m huge and uncomfortable, or know that if/when that child is born, I won’t be able to look into someone’s eyes with the amazement that we did this, it will only be me.

That very last bit, in particular, brought me to tears (and is doing so again now). I’ve thought about becoming a single mom for so long, there have been times when I’ve freaked out at the possibility of finding a partner because then I’d have to change my whole mind set. I thought I was so 100% great with it. And yet…there’s clearly still some grief there, some regret that this is the way it’s going to be. That I won’t have anyone to turn to when the baby starts moving, anyone’s hand to draw onto my belly to feel a kick. My nephew lit up every time my brother-in-law walked into the room this weekend, and it’s clear his Da-Da adores him right back–I won’t get to see that.

Though I know without a doubt I am strong enough and ready enough to do this, that there are a million positives to balance out what is lacking, I think today has taught me that there is still some regret that I’m doing  this alone, some grief for what could’ve been. I’m going to accept that, welcome it in tonight, have a good cry, and try to get a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow is another day.

The Author

I'm a pastor. I believe in radical love and ridiculous grace. I love to sing and sew, and have a shop on Etsy. I'm trying to make my ecological footprint smaller. I have chickens who provide endless entertainment. Oh, and I'm a formerly single mom by choice, son E (born 6/00, placed 11/23/11, adoption finalized 11/21/14) and now making a life with The Dude and his two kids, Girl-E (12/02) and C (9/04). Baby Bumpy due to arrive around 5/25/15! This blog chronicles my thoughts on faith, family, and the wild adventure we call Life!

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